CLICK ABOVE TO PLAY MUSIC
Music – “What’s Cooking” from What’s Cooking by The Wolfe Gang. Released: 2010
In honour of Thanksgiving later this week, I’m running this earlier 2014 post about the questions posed to the Butterball Turkey Hot Line over the years. Read it and laugh (or weep!)
We’ve all heard experts, teachers and the like say “There’s no such thing as a dumb question”. I’ve said it myself, while teaching a course in Forensic Anthropology to non-science students. One evening, following a brief discussion of how to determine the sex of an individual from the bones of the skeleton, one of my students quipped “It’s easy. All you do is count the number of ribs. If it’s a man, he’ll be missing a rib as he had to give it up to God to create Eve”. Well, I really didn’t know how to respond.
In the world of food and cooking, I find it amusing and sometimes bewildering to read the questions folks write in to various sites for cooking advice. Butterball Turkey has had it’s share of doozies over the year, and other websites geared around cooking usually feature a “Q & A” section, which are tremendously enlightening.
Here is a sampling of some of the questions posed to various websites. I have taken the liberty of addressing the questions with my OWN responses:
Can you microwave a box of wine? (Probably not a good idea, but why would you want 5 litres of hot boxed wine?)
After eating rancid butter, what should one do? (Serve up some moldy bread to go with it?)
Can you be harmed if you eat wax paper? (It depends. Is it a name brand wax paper or the cheap generic stuff?)
How long does it take for a poison hemlock to kill a person? (Ask Socrates)
How old is the oldest Twinkie? (See photo below)
On Easter Sunday is Chuck E Cheese Open? (Is this a food question?)
Does fudge taste less good if it’s shaped like poop?
(This must be a question for the psychologists in the room)
Can you cook on both oven racks?
How do I unbake a cake?
(Don’t start in the first place)
And, the inevitable turkey questions that surface at Thanksgiving. The folks at the Butterball Turkey Hotline have heard them all, I‘m sure!:
Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine? (Only if you wash your clothes regularly at a Laundromat)
Can I take my frozen turkey into my sauna to thaw it faster? (How many people are in the sauna at the same time as the turkey?)
If it’s not brown enough, how long should I leave it in my tanning bed? (When it starts peeling, I’d take it out)
Is it OK to thaw my turkey in the bathtub while bathing my kids? (How dirty are your kids?)
What does ‘remove from heat’ mean? (Really?)
Can I use my oven’s self cleaning cycle to speed up the cooking process? (If you prefer incinerated turkey, why not?)
If I cut my turkey with a chainsaw will the oil affect the taste? (Only if you lick the chainsaw)
Can popcorn be popped in the turkey’s cavity during the roasting process? (Is this microwave popcorn or Jiffy Pop stovetop popcorn?)
How do I get the bleach I used off the bird? (Drop it in the tub when you’re bathing the kids)
How do I get my Chihuahua out of the turkey?
(Is this before or after roasting?)
My 5 pound turkey has been in the oven 24 hours. Do you think it’s done? (Probably. I suspect that anything that was hazardous to your health is long dead)
Can you thaw a turkey by wrapping it in an electric blanket? (Why not go the extra mile and just cook it in there too?)
The turkey in my freezer is 23 years old. Is it safe to eat? (It depends. How old are you?)
Can I baste my turkey with suntan lotion? (Are you cooking it in a solar oven??)
How long does it take to thaw a fresh turkey? (Not long)
How do I prepare a turkey for vegetarians?
(Carve it in the shape of a cauliflower and stuff it with a lot of vegetables)
How long does it take to cook a turkey if I leave the oven door open the whole time? (Are you trying to heat your apartment or cook a turkey?)
How long will it take to cook a frozen 34 pound turkey?
(How much vacation time to you have?)
The above questions were compiled from the following websites:
(the tongue-in-cheek responses are my own!)