Oxymorons and Other Oddities in the Kitchen


Music – “What’s An Oxymoron?” from Westmount Rhodesians by Bowser and Blue. Released: 1990

In browsing through several recently acquired used cookbooks, I was amused by some of the recipes and food terms, which I deem “oxymoronic“:  “Desert Seafood Broth“, “Crab Meat Salad – Which can be served as a delightful vegetarian dish“, “Boneless Ribs“, and “Naturally Artificial“.

“I’m safe! Not only boneless ribs, but NO ribs!” (Photo Credit: http://www.nosetotailapp.com)

It sorta’ looks like a shrimp….is this a constituent of “Desert Seafood Broth”?       (Photo Credit: http://www.youtube.com)

“I know it’s artificial, but is it NATURALLY artificial?” (Photo Credit: http://www.pacificgrassandturf.com)

Not to mention “Jumbo Shrimp“, “12 ounce Pound Cake“, and “Meatless Meatballs“.

Another oxymoron: how can a jumbo shrimp be a shrimp? (Photo Credit: http://www.seriouseats.com)

Example of an oxymoron: “meatless meatballs” (who are they kidding?) (Photo Credit: http://www.eatthismuch.com)


So, a “pound” cake is really only 12 ounces… (Photo Credit: http://www.threadless.com)

What gives?  And, exactly what is a “Cheese Steak“?

“Just cut them into the shape of a T-bone” (Photo Credit: http://www.toledoblade.com)

Then, there are the more “on the fringe” recipes.  Try to imagine “Swimming Chicken Curry“….

“Well, we can go swimming, but is sure doesn’t look like curry to me” (Photo Credit: http://www.earthlingsinternational.wordpress.com)


…or “Hoppers on Horseback

“Help….I’m in mid-flight. Where’s the ?!? horse?”
(Photo Credit: http://www.dailyencouragement. wordpress.com)








Ever tried “Self-Control Cabbage“?…

These are cabbages with self-control. (Photo Credit: http://www.etsy.com)


This is clearly a cabbage with no self-control. (Photo Credit: http://www.aliexpress.com)

… “Walk Toward the Light Cucumbers“…

“Up, up, up….go towards the light!!”                                          (Photo Credit: http://www.megahowto.com)


And, exactly what is “Sausage Stipulation“?…

“I stipulate that eating sausages is an abomination” (Photo Credit: http://www.thewrap.com)

Know what “Safety Marinade” looks like? (neither do I!) However, it allegedly uses a lot of rum and garlic and, in addition to a few other ingredients, “…makes an excellent protective blend”, according to author Patricia Telesco of “The Kitchen Witch Companion“.  The author also points out that loading knives in your dishwasher point up “…make for a hazard…” (well, duh!), which, perhaps “Safety Marinade” could have prevented.

Evidently, these knives had not been exposed to “Safety Marinade”. (Photo Credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk)

If you ever run out of coffee filters, you can always make “Sock Coffee“….

“Maybe I should have washed the socks before I made the coffee…” (Photo Credit: http://www.youtube.com)


Kitty Litter Cake” should amuse the children, as will “Popcorn Pie“.

“No, really….it’s OK kids….I’m a cake!” (Photo Credit: http://www.reddit.com)

Popcorn pie (gag, choke) (Photo Credit: http://www.superhealthykids.com)





Some of these recipes seem to resemble the outcome of a random word generator.  “Lopsided Fluffy Ripe Cherries“, “Spicy, Delicious, Chicken Juice Output“, or “Bite-Sized Meat Flavor Milk Jelly“, for example are totally nonsensical and probably non-existent (hopefully!)  All are  hard to visualize, let alone cook.  So, go ahead and find those oxymoronic and just plain weird recipes in your cookbooks.  They’re out there!


The Kitchen Sink Cookbook (Carolyn Wyman)                                                                                The Kitchen Witch Companion (Patricia Telesco)                                                                            The Snacking Dead – A Parody in a Cookbook (D.B. Walker)                                                        Eater’s Digest (Lorraine Bodger)                                                                                                          Southwestern Soups, Stews, & Skillet Suppers (Judy Walker & Kim MacEachern)                  Quick & Easy Japanese Snacks & Light Meals (Yukiko Moriyama)

My EatYourBooks cookbook collection

About vintagecookbookery

Cookbook lover and collector with a burgeoning collection of cookbooks. Reading and researching food trends, history of cooking techniques and technological advances in cooking, what we eat and why and cookbooks as reflectors of cultures is a fascination for me. As of November 7th, 2013, I hold the current Guinness World Record title for the largest collection of cookbooks: 2,970 at the official count on July 14th, 2013 (applaud now, thank you very much!) The current (unofficial) number is now 6,500. What next? More shelves?
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