A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Kitchen…

CLICK ABOVE TO PLAY MUSIC

Music – “Kitchen Sing Sing” from Raffi Radio by Raffi. Released: 1997.

Well, actually, in the kitchen. A recent purchase to add to my cookbook library was “The How Not to Cookbook” by Aleksandra Mir, subtitled “Lessons Learned the Hard Way”. The book is a compendium of advice by approximately 1,000 cooks from around the world. Hard to argue with tried and true!

"The How Not to Cookbook" by Aleksandra Mir

“The How Not to Cookbook” by Aleksandra Mir

Here are some of the entries, with sage advice for the wanna-be cook:

For a Burns supper do not make deep-fried Bounty Bars if you have already drunk three glasses of wine. There is a high risk of serious injury from hot fat and melted chocolate

“Never, EVER try to figure out if you turned on the hotplate by laying your hand on it. The police may wonder why you do not have fingerprints anymore”

You will mess up your fingerprints big time if you test your hotplate with your hand. (Photo Credit:  www.en.wikipedia.org)

You will mess up your fingerprints big time if you test your hotplate with your hand. (Photo Credit: http://www.en.wikipedia.org)

Do not cook if you want a clean kitchen

"Do not cook if you want a clean kitchen" is the old proverb.  (Photo Credit:  www.walesoncraic.com)

“Do not cook if you want a clean kitchen” is the old proverb. (Photo Credit: http://www.walesoncraic.com)

“When cooking with your boyfriend, do not forget to make it clear who is the chef in advance. If not you might end up fighting and lose your appetite”

"I told you before, I'M the chef tonight!"  (Photo Credit:  www.dailymail.co.uk)

“I told you before, I’M the chef tonight!” (Photo Credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk)

When making coconut cake, do not leave out the coconut

“Do not spit in the pudding. If you do, the starch will be separated from the milk” (was this the result of experimenting in a test kitchen?!)

“When making chocolate cake and the recipe calls for four egg whites and two yolks, do not use six eggs. You only need four”

“Do not fall asleep while cooking”

Good advice:  don't fall asleep while cooking.  (Photo Credit:  www.oddee.com)

Good advice: don’t fall asleep while cooking. (Photo Credit: http://www.oddee.com)

“While boiling spaghetti water, do not start two parallel chats on Facebook”

Not the time to start chatting on Facebook...(Photo Credit:  www.food-hacks.wonderhowto.com)

Not the time to start chatting on Facebook…(Photo Credit: http://www.food-hacks.wonderhowto.com)

Do not try to cook when you are stoned. It gives you paranoia

Don't try cooking after ingesting this handful!  (Photo Credit:  www.chicagohealthonline.com)

Don’t try cooking after ingesting this handful! (Photo Credit: http://www.chicagohealthonline.com)

“Do not ask a blonde to cook a soft-boiled egg!”

"So, I'm blonde.  So, I'm cooking an egg.  So what?"  (Photo Credit:  www.dreamstime.com)

“So, I’m blonde. So, I’m cooking an egg. So what?” (Photo Credit: http://www.dreamstime.com)

Never cook naked. You will get hot fat on your chest and you never know what will happen from behind(no comment)

“Do not have sex while your hot potatoes are roasting”

"No, sorry dear....the hot potatoes are roasting"  (Photo Credit:  www.wpthm.com)

“No, sorry dear….the hot potatoes are roasting” (Photo Credit: http://www.dreamstime.com)

Do not look into a gas oven too fast after opening the door. Especially while wearing mascara – it will make your eyelashes glue together

“Do not let your wife cook” (no comment)

Do not tell your wife she is doing it wrong

“When heating a croissant in the microwave, if you have left it in too long and it has gone hard, do not assume that another three minutes will sort it out. It will not, and the fire brigade prefers toast anyway”

Never, ever use garlic if you are cooking for the British(What…who doesn’t NOT like garlic!?)

“Do not wear your wife’s new dress while cooking Spaghetti Sauce”

"No, dear....I wasn't cooking spaghetti sauce" (Photo Credit:  www.dailymail.co.uk)

“No, dear….I wasn’t cooking spaghetti sauce” (Photo Credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk)

Do not forget to invite guests to your dinner party

The table is set, the chef is in the kitchen, but where are my guests?  Uh oh....should've made myself a sticky note to invite them!" (Photo Credit:  www.en.wikipedia.org)

The table is set, the chef is in the kitchen, but where are my guests? Uh oh….should’ve made myself a sticky note to invite them!” (Photo Credit: http://www.en.wikipedia.org)

“Do not eat when you are hungry”

Old kitchen wisdom:  do not cook if you're hungry (Photo Credit:  www.dailymail.co.uk)

Old kitchen wisdom: do not eat if you’re hungry (Photo Credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk)

Apparently putting things in water does not count as marinating

"So, then, water isn't a marinade?  No wonder it tastes bland!" (Photo Credit:  www.zsuzsaisinthe kitchen.blogspot.com)

“So, then, water isn’t a marinade? No wonder it tastes bland!” (Photo Credit: http://www.zsuzsaisinthe kitchen.blogspot.com)

“Do not use the toaster to heat up milk” (someone must have tried it at least once!)

Not the best way to heat up milk (Photo Credit:  www.clipartreview.com)

Not the best way to heat up milk (Photo Credit: http://www.clipartreview.com)

Do not not use a cookbook

Cooking ricce without any liquid is not a good idea (Photo Credit:  www.budgetbytes.com)

Cooking rice without any liquid is not a good idea (Photo Credit: http://www.budgetbytes.com)

“Do not try to cook rice without adding water. It does not work”

Never season a salad while holding a cigarette

"Now see what you've done....cigarette ashes in the salad!"  (Photo Credit:  www.dreamstime.com)

“Now see what you’ve done….cigarette ashes in the salad!” (Photo Credit: http://www.dreamstime.com)

“Do not call the operator and ask him or her how to cook pancakes. They will not take to you kindly”

Do not break up your spaghetti before you put it into the water – you could offend passing Italians very seriously

"What, you mean you broke up the spaghetti before you cooked it?  Mama Mia!" (Photo Credit:  www.rambia.net)

“What, you mean you broke up the spaghetti before you cooked it? Mama Mia!” (Photo Credit: http://www.rambia.net)

“Do not stuff a turkey the night before. Guests apparently get sick”

Whatever you do, do not cook like the English(enough said)

Mushy peas, an English favourite (looks appetizing, doesn't it?) (Photo Credit:  www.youtube.com)

Mushy peas, an English favourite (looks appetizing, doesn’t it?) (Photo Credit: http://www.youtube.com)

“Before you stir-fry your wild mushrooms, make sure they do not have any worms in them, especially if your dinner guests are vegetarians”

Good to check your mushrooms for worms before cooking (especially if your guests are vegetarians) (Photo Credit:  www.clipartbest.com)

Good to check your mushrooms for worms before cooking (especially if your guests are vegetarians) (Photo Credit: http://www.clipartbest.com)

Do not take up with a Sicilian who cooks better than you do


My EatYourBooks cookbook collection

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About vintagecookbookery

Cookbook lover and collector with a burgeoning collection of cookbooks. Reading and researching food trends, history of cooking techniques and technological advances in cooking, what we eat and why and cookbooks as reflectors of cultures is a fascination for me. As of November 7th, 2013, I hold the current Guinness World Record title for the largest collection of cookbooks: 2,970 at the official count on July 14th, 2013 (applaud now, thank you very much!) The current (unofficial) number is now 5,851. What next? More cookbooks, naturally (small ones !)
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