CLICK ABOVE TO PLAY MUSIC
Music – “The Food Trying Song” from Words That Rhyme With Orange by Ross King. Released: 2009
“Culinary Arts Experts Required Immediately”
(Multiple Positions Available)
(Perhaps this ad might have appeared in your local newspaper classifieds column “Temporary Employment Opportunities”)
Must have well above average number of taste buds/receptors. 3,000 to 10,000 is the average range. Candidates with fewer than 15,000 will not be interviewed.
An excess of olfactory receptor neurons in the nose is mandatory. DNA testing will be required in order to determine if candidates have damaged or missing genes for detecting the following: cyanide, strychnine, belladonna, etc.
Remuneration will be commensurate with experience. Any candidate, in his or her former employ, with 10 years of full-time experience will be paid handsomely. Candidates with less than 2 years of experience are just lucky and will not be considered for the position.
A complete health record will be required from every candidate considered for the position, including emergency hospital visits and admissions for gastrointestinal and related disorders. Those candidates with more than one (1) hospital admission for such disorders will be immediately disqualified.
We do not offer any health benefits to our employees. From our experience, we have found that employees who become sick while in our employ, depart somewhat hastily, therefore, health benefits are redundant in this position.
Successful candidates are encouraged to purchase life insurance benefits for their next of kin, immediately upon hiring.
This is a full-time position and requires the successful candidate to be available on an on-call basis, 24/7. A cell phone and pager will be provided by the employer.
This position is not a desk job. The successful candidate will be required to appear at the employer’s location, upon demand, wherever the employer is and whenever the employer summons the employee. This is NOT a telecommuting position.
Lastly, the successful candidate must have an extremely high appreciation for food, it’s preparation, freshness and quality and be able to quickly determine if such food is suitable for consumption by the employer. Failure to do so will most likely result in the immediate death of the employee.
We do not discriminate on the basis of gender. Both male and female candidates are encouraged to apply. Candidates may, however, be rejected for other qualities or traits, which we deem unsatisfactory and/or distasteful (
dictator employer dependent).
P.O. Box xxxx
Anywhere in the world
OK, so, you get the drift. The “Culinary Arts Expert” is just a name I coined for a food taster, candy coated and the job description I made up (no kidding?) From ancient times, dictators, oligarchs and a whole bunch of not very nice people in high powered positions, have been at risk for being poisoned through their food. Even royalty were not exempt.
The food taster typically samples the food brought to the important person, to determine if the food is safe to be consumed. If the food taster becomes ill or dies, well, the important person is alerted to this fact and lives another day to kill, enslave, jail or do whatever he does to harass people. Slow acting poisons, however, may not be readily detected until the damage is done.
Although there is speculation that even contemporary people of importance have food tasters, much of it is unfounded. Rumours that President Obama had a food taster circulated, when he allegedly refused to eat lunch with the Republican senators. Who could blame him? (no offense meant to Republicans) Adolf Hitler had at least a dozen food tasters, and one such taster was Margot Woelk.
Ms. Woelk tasted the food of the Nazi German leader’s life for his last two and half years, being pressed into “service“.If she did not become ill, food was taken to Hitler at his military headquarters, where it would be served to him. Ms. Woelk and all of the food tasters lived each day not knowing if they would greet the dawn. This knowledge, apparently, did not become public until an interview in 2012, when she turned 95. Of all of Hitler’s food tasters, Woelk was the only one to survive after Hitler took his own life in 1945 and she managed to escape.
Clearly, the faint of heart need not apply for this position.